| Crazy Shiznit from a Biznitch |
[01 Feb 2002|12:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 high |
] |
I'm rather surprized at my writings in this perticular journal...most of the time I'm too poetic for my own good and ramble on about things that only make sense to me in strange ways. This is actually turning out like journal. I find it rather odd...and frightening. Perhaps I am losing my touch. Perhaps I am searching deeper inside me and finding things more easily than before...so that I dont require as many damn adjectives. What does it really matter though...I am sure one of these days I'll start up with my poetic dance once again and let myself become entranced by that ever familliar pulsating beat within me...but until then I suppose I shall just have to be as mindlessly frank as every other ignorant lemming leeching off of the artistry and inspirtation of those whom actually can speak and think for themselves.
*takes a small break*
Why is it...that society is so hypocritical? One moment every authoritative figure is apparently encouraging diversity in all "humans"...then they go around and slap the book in your face, preaching words that make no sense and even themselves don't follow, yet they expect us to be mindless drones and follow these words until our deaths; at which time we will not even have lived our lives the way our soul intended on pursuing on through the short time we actually did have here. Take...homosexuality. "Love thy neighbour". Sure. Love them...until you find out that they have fallen upon a different path than yours and you crave you discriminate them because of this. Before "God" entered the picture, basically there was just one gender during the beginning of evolution. And these entities engaged in emotional relationships, no matter how large or insignificant they may seem, as their own cells most likely reproduced asexually. Over time, a new system of birth developed, but same gender emotions ran strong. Today even...animals running around wild and free of "society" may have their own sexual preference, but it is not given by their own choice. It is simply who they are. Most people dont know this. Most of those whom do know this, deny it, for whatever self-richeous ....*decides thats enough and disappears into the shadows again*
|
|
| Wedding Cake Rotting in a Graveyard.... |
[30 Jan 2002|03:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
Well. Mel's getting married...1176 days, 7 hours and 54 mminutes from now. Its a hell of a lot closer to when I'll be getting married: NEVER. But hey, I get to be a bridesmaid so ya'll can...uh...suck...something...with..a...uh... sexually oriented mindframe. Yes. Yes indeed. Booyea...I wanna help plan the nuptuals right now!! *goes and looks for various little decorating ideas and simple arrangements to keep in mind* ^.^ I have a purpose! I am not just a meaningless little lemming anymore! Booyea!! Well..now Sarah has invited Eden over and shes hiding under my blankets. I should tend to my guests I suppose. More on this when I come back. ^.~ TTFN
~Benzaiten
|
|
| The Blaring Silence Deafens Me |
[29 Jan 2002|09:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 horny |
] |
Blasphamy. Where is he? Why isnt he here? What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is it about me? Did he eat ok? Did he wash behind his ears? Is he in pain? Is he in heaven? Is he ok? Where did he go? Whats keeping him from me? Who is it thats doing it? Is it his mother? Does he just not want to talk to me? Am I actually important? Or am I completely insignificant? What am I to him? Does he ever think about me? Am I with him? Will I ever touch him? Will he hold me? Will he tell me the things I believe? What is instore for the future? How much will the past influence the present? Will our numbers be enough? Would he like my talisman? Should I do things for him that I think will spoil him? Would he like that? Would he do the same for me? Would I kick his ass if he did? Why are we so far apart? Who put fate this way? Are we destined? Are we linked? Will we be together? Am I good kisser? Will he like the way I touch him? Will he touch me back? Will he kiss me? Will he make love to me? Is he good? Is he "big"? Does it really matter? Can I make him happy? Will he like what he sees when he sees it? Will he enjoy the things I say? Or will he find me boring? Will he cuddle me? Will he hold me close? Can I fall asleep in his arms? Will I be safe? Can I protect him? Can I take care of him? Will he let me? Will he love me, truely, madly, deeply? Do I love him the same? Why do I question myself? Am I insecure? Stupid question. @_@ Am I complete? Will I be complete forever if I am? Is he the point of my completion? Will I get married? Will he be the one? Can I make him happy? Could he be any more beautiful? Could I possibly love him any more? Why cant I stop hearing his voice? Am I in his heart? He is in mine.....
|
|
| Loss of Words, Loss of Mind |
[29 Jan 2002|07:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stressed |
] |
Father is harping. Why does he constantly tear me apart piece by piece, analyzing every single aspect of my faults until I feel like my body is going to completely implode. Speaking of which I ran out of diet pills today...I feel fat already. I am a hypocondriac I know, but thats just the way I am. Everything these last two days has been driving me completely insane. I think its Benzaiten's moodyness. Bishamon and Benzaiten are at it again inside my head...sometimes I wish they'd go to some other plane to do that, then I realize that its basically free porn, so I should just sit back and enjoy. Everything around me is like a bell ringing incessantly, scratching and prodding at my mind. I cant make it go away...I want to be with the shadows again. I miss their touch, their silent lips. The way they cradle me and caress me when I feel like falling away from the world is pure exstacy. Lately the shadows have been hiding from me...I think its my new form. They dont know how to go about it. I hope they come around soon. All I have is my 5 faes...and so far only one is really coming out. I dont know what to do...I just wish I could go up into the powerlines (a place ontop of a mountain near here) and sit up there, watching the sun set like I used to. Listening to everything around me...that doesnt seem like such a constant screeching sound, but an angelic symphony of whispers. I miss that. I miss the woods. I cant stand being away from it. Its driving me insane. This thumping and screeching is getting hard to bare; I dont know how much longer I can take it. Since Benzaiten entered me my senses have been heightend incredibly, and all the artificial sounds around here are driving both her and myself to the point of insanity. I need a cleansing. My aura feels so dirty. They wont let me preform any rituals...I am not allowed to burn candles, or make a salt circle. Incense is completely out of the question. All these tools are so important to me...and I feel like I completely shut down without them. Everything is getting so blurred as things come into focus....I want these pains to stop. She's helping them leave me...but not entirely. Its hard for me to channel her strength, because I don't know how much I or she can take, or where to draw it from. I'd ask Mel to make these pains ease a little but she does so much already. Shes always doing something for someone else besides herself, I feel bad asking. She needs her energy for the twins; without her strength I think their auras will grow weak. I am just rambling. Nevermind. I wish Sean would get on. Stupid mother. GRRRRR...I am going to kill her...i swear...I miss him. Dammit...I wanna talk to him. Hopefully he'll be moved in with Blake in a while, so then when I call I can talk to both Sean and Blake. They're both so sweet to me...I am thankful to the gods that I have them in my life. Along with my covensisters, and Mel and Ben,of course. I wonder if Sarah will cleanse me...she seems to do it rather well...I need to cast a circle and go hide in it because my father desires the computer now. Until the circle is closed....farewell
|
|
| Loss of Words, Loss of Mind |
[29 Jan 2002|07:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
Father is harping. Why does he constantly tear me apart piece by piece, analyzing every single aspect of my faults until I feel like my body is going to completely implode. Speaking of which I ran out of diet pills today...I feel fat already. I am a hypocondriac I know, but thats just the way I am. Everything these last two days has been driving me completely insane. I think its Benzaiten's moodyness. Bishamon and Benzaiten are at it again inside my head...sometimes I wish they'd go to some other plane to do that, then I realize that its basically free porn, so I should just sit back and enjoy. Everything around me is like a bell ringing incessantly, scratching and prodding at my mind. I cant make it go away...I want to be with the shadows again. I miss their touch, their silent lips. The way they cradle me and caress me when I feel like falling away from the world is pure exstacy. Lately the shadows have been hiding from me...I think its my new form. They dont know how to go about it. I hope they come around soon. All I have is my 5 faes...and so far only one is really coming out. I dont know what to do...I just wish I could go up into the powerlines (a place ontop of a mountain near here) and sit up there, watching the sun set like I used to. Listening to everything around me...that doesnt seem like such a constant screeching sound, but an angelic symphony of whispers. I miss that. I miss the woods. I cant stand being away from it. Its driving me insane. This thumping and screeching is getting hard to bare; I dont know how much longer I can take it. Since Benzaiten entered me my senses have been heightend incredibly, and all the artificial sounds around here are driving both her and myself to the point of insanity. I need a cleansing. My aura feels so dirty. They wont let me preform any rituals...I am not allowed to burn candles, or make a salt circle. Incense is completely out of the question. All these tools are so important to me...and I feel like I completely shut down without them. Everything is getting so blurred as things come into focus....I want these pains to stop. She's helping them leave me...but not entirely. Its hard for me to channel her strength, because I don't know how much I or she can take, or where to draw it from. I'd ask Mel to make these pains ease a little but she does so much already. Shes always doing something for someone else besides herself, I feel bad asking. She needs her energy for the twins; without her strength I think their auras will grow weak. I am just rambling. Nevermind. I wish Sean would get on. Stupid mother. GRRRRR...I am going to kill her...i swear...I miss him. Dammit...I wanna talk to him. Hopefully he'll be moved in with Blake in a while, so then when I call I can talk to both Sean and Blake. They're both so sweet to me...I am thankful to the gods that I have them in my life. Along with my covensisters, and Mel and Ben,of course. I wonder if Sarah will cleanse me...she seems to do it rather well...I need to cast a circle and go hide in it because my father desires the computer now. Until the circle is closed....farewell
|
|
| Psychotic Babblings |
[26 Jan 2002|07:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dirty |
] |
Everyone is gone. Silence surrounds nearly every corner of the entire house, excluding the tiny pulses of my headset dangling over my monitor, vibrating to the bass lines of A.D.I.D.A.S. by Korn. A few moments ago I was all but a block away, sitting in Adam's front room on the love seat. The lava lamp seemed not to be heating itself properly, and I stared at it in wonderment as the "lava" took the shape of what seemed to me a dead fetus. It was rather...disturbing for others. I found it normal, because, well...its my mind. Eden was sitting on my lap, stroking Adams feet to the rythm of some distant music on his stereo, which I found to be rather hypnotic. She began to stroke my hair whilst running her fingertips up and down the arch of his foot...and played with his toes. Sarah sat to the right of me, previous to when she fell upon the floor and decided it would be a good place to let go of her existance and die. Unfortunately for her Eden would not let that happen...and began to prod her with her feet and fingers. The dull blue lighting of some festive lights hung over a corner of his house and vibrated slightly, catching my attention from across the room. I doubt anyone else noticed...but then again I am me. Sarah insisted that we listen to some "soft" and "happy" music. I just sat there in a ball and stared at Eden who was now prodding Adams buttocks with her finger. Damn bisexual thoughts were driving me insane. I don't know why but I felt like I just had to touch her and kiss her...it was rather ackward. She sat back on me again and stroked Adam's feet, and ran her fingers through my hair. Actually...some weird order of operations is definitely out of oder here...but then again, its me. I just stared blankly and purred for a little while, until Eden looked at me oddly and I stopped. I don't think she heard my purrs. I did my best to keep them to myself. Mouthing every word to the first five or six songs of some Powerman5000 CD time seemed to travel a lot quicker. My mind is racing all over...yet its going no where. Where's Mel? Why is Eden still at Adam's? Who is this person IMing me? Why am I here? Where am I? Why wouldn't Sarah let me leave? How come I used a full bladder as an excuse to run away from those stupid bisexual urges? Why am I picturing someone in the shadows? Whats that sound? Why is that moving...
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
namek_princess's journal